Author Thread: IceServant (Currently Wordplay #7, Endings)

IceServantIceServant Member
edited August 2013 in WordPlay
I'm going to use this thread to collect my works, hopefully clearing up forum space.
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Comments

  • IceServantIceServant Member
    edited February 2014 PM
    Edit: Removed so I might use it somewhere else.
  • IceServantIceServant Member
    edited February 2014 PM
    Edit: Removed so I might use it somewhere else.
  • Memories

    Reason it isn't there


    Blending together

    The fabric of reality

    Space and time meaningless

    A month ago

    Or maybe yesterday

    No recollection at all

    Dates and names escape me

    Birthdays and anniversaries

    Feelings of shame

    Loneliness and despair



    Focus fading

    Drifting away from the now

    Noise and lights pulling

    Which way to go

    Can't choose

    Fragments and nothing more

    Doesn't matter

    Won't remember tomorrow

    Maybe it's important

    Hopefully it's trivial



    Did we talk about this before

    Have we met somewhere

    Embarrassed, ashamed

    Depressed

    Maybe this time

    Maybe next

    Probably never

    Forgetting is easy

    Remembering is hard

    Focus



    Prescriptions don't work

    Beer doesn't help

    Except to forget

    Everything I would have remembered

    Must have a routine

    Maybe if I could remember

    Then I could forget

    The pain and the anguish

    The only two things

    That seem to remain



    Combinations are deadly

    With mental disease

    Suicidal thoughts

    Without following through

    It's no way to live

    With Bi-Polar Disorder

    And ADHD

  • IceServantIceServant Member
    edited February 2014 PM
    Edit: Removed because I used it somewhere else.
  • Oooh! I like that! Your Noir piece is like... Sci-fi-esque!

    As soon as she went down the alley and he had the thought about the street, I figured "Ah, it's a trap! Maybe she's a vampire or something luring him in"... but you've done something better and weirder. I enjoy the pacing of it. It was really fast, in a good way, that drew me in and kept me on my toes, kept me thinking.

    And I can see what you're saying about your free verse too. But I see why so many people thought of Alzheimer's and memory loss... The two ideas together do add up to that very neatly. "Memory + The Reason It Isn't There"... It makes sense that we've mostly all written similar things.

    But back to your Noir piece, it's almost like a mirror world... Or another dimension bleeding through. And because you mentioned "The Bay" I can only picture San Fransisco, thanks to Christopher Moore's writings. I really, really like that idea.

  • Thanks!  I was trying to keep the city fairly vague so it could be almost anywhere. . . Well, anywhere with a bay, I suppose.
  • I like the minimalism of your Memories piece and the line spacing, but I think you can do more.  The last verse itself says a lot more than the rest of it.  It's a tough juggling act when you've got a lot of fragmented sentences.  You say very little letting the reader fill in the blanks and this works with a line like, "Combinations are deadly," but a lot of the others weren't as strong.  Hopefully this helps?  I always feel awkward when talking to other people about their stuff lol 
  • I just finished your Noir piece and I loved it. Having a mirror world was unexpected, but incredibly interesting. The dialogue between them was very effective in building up this mystery and tension. And you did a fantastic job with describing the weather and atmosphere as he was getting into his car. It was a pleasure to read and I look forward to more!
  • @Tinneas Thanks.  I agree that it's not my best poem, I was kind of struggling for the 50-ish lines, and I think I could have been a little less fragmented had I been more concise.  I also think the outlines for the exercises are great, but I shouldn't be confining myself to them if it makes the quality of work lower.  I think this poem helped me realize this.

    @Craneoftruth Thanks for the feedback.  Dialogue is, I think, one of my worst writing qualities, so I try to keep it to a minimum.
  • IceServantIceServant Member
    edited July 2013 PM
    It's a little short. . . about half.  This might fall under Fan Fic.

    “If I can just get the words right, he'll hear it.”
    “He's not coming back.  You need to accept that.  The guitar isn't going to help.”
    “I can't accept it.  I won't.  He'll be back.  If I can just get the words.”
    “He's changed.  He's not the same person he was before.”
    “Maybe. . .”
    “I'm sorry.  I know it's your dream.  I know he's your dream.  And I know you've been living it for a long time, even if time has stood still for me.  But now, it's time to move on.  You need to resume your life and be normal.”
    “I can't be normal.  I can't be like the rest of you; not after what I've seen.  Every time I look at the stars I see what I'm missing.  You've seen it as well.  Christmas.  Remember Christmas?”
    “It's hard to forget, even if everyone else has, but I also know I have a life, here, without him.  I know you were with him longer, but you need to move on.  He brings trouble and you're better off without it.”
    “No.  I'm not.  If I can just get the words.  Something clever.  He likes clever.”
    “Uh.  You're not listening.  He's not coming back.  I'm sure he's found someone else by now.”
    “Clever.  Something clever. . .”
    “Fine.  I'm your friend.  Maybe you need to see a doctor.  A professional can help you with this.”
    “I don't need a doctor, I need the Doctor!”
  • TevaronTevaron Member
    edited July 2013 PM
    I just finished reading your work.  I have to say, you claim to have trouble with dialogue, but the last piece is BY FAR the best you have posted here.  It's very evocative and draws you in. I often find that a character's words speak so much more than simple exposition, that may just be me though. 
  • This is cute -- dare I say it's... clever? ;-) There are some punctuation/formatting errors and a stray word [even if it time has stood still for me], but the dialog flows well.
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    No electrons were harmed in the creation or transmission of this message.

    ~Tim | My Profile | My Author Thread |
  • PeatPeat Member
    You may say short, but I say concise.  It's good and natural, even if it is about The Doctor :)  Thanks for sharing.
    'Never attribute to malice, what can be adequately explained by stupidity'
    Hanlon's Razor

    Peat
  • @Tevaron Thank you very much.  I drank. . . a lot, before writing this (on purpose) so that I would lose my inhibitions from writing dialogue.  I may have to do it again.

    @Timvansant Thanks to you as well.  I fixed the one error you pointed out and will probably go back through to find any other errors - see previous statement about drinking.

    @Peat Thank you. I was having trouble trying to stay within the confines of the challenges and the 500 word "rule," so I just ended this one where I thought it felt "right."  For my others, I think I needed significantly more words (flash fictions) or to use less (my poem).  So now, I will just make the best work I can without worrying about word count constraints.
  • IceServantIceServant Member
    edited February 2014 PM
    Edit: Removed because I am going to use it somewhere else.
  • alanalmeriaalanalmeria Member, Moderator

    Really interesting idea, the first person death-alogue is very original, and its impressive how much history you are able to build between them in such a short piece. Its really nice that she is his one true regret and as a big old sap, I love the ending and the fact they can be in love without ever being lovers.

    I have a couple of things to suggest, coincidentally both in the same paragraph:

    She just, hovered, over my bed   Admittedly, I am really bad with comma's, but that sentence just looks wrong to me as a reader. I keep imagining William Shatner speaking when I read it.

    I also disliked him simply stating:

     I felt bad

    Big example of needing to use show don't tell in this instance, show us how he feels. Something like this for example, but much better:  I felt my stomach lurch inside and I reached out a frail trembling hand to her,

    Lovely story when all is said and done, and a very unique approach.

    Love The Guild and/or Choose Your Own Adventure Novels? Then make sure to check out The Trials of Codex.

  • This is such a sweet, sad story. Nicely done.

    Most of the language of the narrator is fairly formal and you are pretty consistent with that. The sentence "In my childhood I played with her." seems awkward to me though and I wonder if you were trying too hard for the formality there. Perhaps something like "We played together as children." would fit better.

    I stumbled over the commas in "She just, hovered, over my bed." too. If you want the pauses there I think ellipses would be a better choice than commas.

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    No electrons were harmed in the creation or transmission of this message.

    ~Tim | My Profile | My Author Thread |
  • @Alanalmeria I changed it to the ellipses, and I think it works better.  I tried it when I first wrote it and it looked weird then. . .but it was also 3:00AM.  I also changed the sentence you suggested and I think it looks better now.  It's not super-showy, but I wanted to keep the tone and I think the word choice is slightly better.

    @Timvansant Changed the sentence and I think it reads better now.  Ellipses in place.

    Thank you both for the input.
  • cynicalclowncynicalclown Member
    edited July 2013 PM

    Deep and Disturbing. A lot of things in this story are implied, but their absence helps with the sense of regret he has for not spending more time with her, for not being her friend when he needed her most. " One semester of bad grades and I was re-motivated". Here it's implied and we can pretty much figure out from this that the news of his death has affected his grades but he re-motivates himself . However, you could use this as opportunity to go over his regrets for not having met her final request and finally overcoming his grief to do well in school.  Finally after that ordeal, The ghost haunts him and those memories come flooding back. You do a great job of keeping the flow of this moving, so that may detract from that. Great story.

    Tonight, with me so close to death, I knew she would appear. Now, before I doze off for the last time, she does, and I say the words that I never had the courage to say before, “I love you.”


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